The Tortured Winning Day

Following my brother and joining Eid Fitr feast in Sukabumi, I received undesired questions from some of his relatives. "How was it, Eid Fitr without mom? Was it strange? How is it living alone? Don't you feel lonely?" 

Why did you need to ask those questions when it is already obvious? What do you want from me after throwing the questions? Do you want to watch me cry, to see my wound when I tried hardly to cover it? I required tight activities, to be busy; thus, I had put much efforts to distract my sensitive feelings, but how come you easily open it? That was cruel.  

"Look, your brother made video call with your dad, won't you join?" I didn't know, I just felt lazy and somehow, my body didn't want to move closer to see dad via phone. I guessed, I wasn't ready yet. 

"Her brother is more mature, right?"

Didn't they judge me for being childish as I didn't want to join the video call with dad? they just didn't know the actual situation. However, I do understand, in common family issues, somehow it is always the kids that are wrong, parent never be wrong. 

I was sad, but started from that, I was determined, to try not to feel or dig what I felt, because the following days, I might receive the same judgement. Trying to feel numb. 

We didn't plan to visit dad on the first day, I told my brother, better later, around the fourth day. Then, my second brother called, telling that his family might visit on the evening of the first day. Better together than alone, we agreed to visit together, so we went back and forth Sukabumi-Jakarta. 

I hadn't prepared myself yet. As finally face to face with dad, I didn't see a longing feeling from him, instead an anger stored in his eyes, my wish to get dad's soft side in this special day,  a wish to receive the same, the same hug that he gives every Eid Fitr, was not granted. 

Still, dad, you didn't value my presence. I thought, you had introspected and be softer. It was just the same ice that I encountered from the last visit. It's always me who is the worst. You scolded me for not being respectful to her. Couldn't you be wiser dad? To win both of us, not to make me under her. 

Oh, that's sad, even until now, she had been in higher priority than me. Again, he won her over me.

Another sins probably because I ignored his messages and calls frequently. 

Hmmm, no matter how much courage that I gather to appear in front of you, I believe you never appreciate it. Then, how come I still have the wish to get your attention. Nurul, you should be conscious! You are now nothing for dad. Do not dare to hope. 

Ah, I know I was sad, disappointed, angry, and broken. I have learnt not to deeply indulge on those feeling. As I said, I tried to feel numb, because if I dig the feeling, I would be drown with negativities and it is not good for my mental and physical health. Another torture created, please God save me.

God, you are the one who knows the best, which one is good and which one is bad. You are the only one who can judge. I hope under your guard, I could be still sane. I own nothing, but you. People keep come and go, as well as not to hope on people, but I know you are always by my side.