The Heaviest Ramadhan is Coming: Be Busy!

Mom, the upcoming Ramadhan feels different. Usually I feel excited, but this time, I feel so much worries. I worried of how I encounter Ramadhan alone. The 'jet lag' feels real. When I usually in rush to meet you and family to iftar together, now I don't have reason to be in rush. Even though the office time to come home is accelerated, it will not affect me. To where now I go home? I have no home to return to meet the people who wait me. My new home is only me. 

I don't know why the above reality really disturbs me. Day by day before the starting of Ramadhan, the depression is in its highest. My mind is full of negativities. I couldn't hold it. I feel like I wanna disappear. I don't wanna see people coming home to meet their family. It hurts me so bad. The feeling was like becoming a disabled in a community. Will they see me bad? Will they feel sorry to me? Will they ask me how I spend the iftar time? I am afraid of those reactions. I am not normal, I am broken, not complete. I already lost my two legs, now I don't have support to walk in this life.

Is it the same feeling like how MPD (21 y.o) felt when the day of her graduation day is coming? I heard she was in depression as her parent who is divorced didn't want to come to her graduation. Did she also feel worried to see the people coming to the graduation with their parent when her parent would not make it? She might feel so broken. Was she also afraid of the reactions of the people towards her abnormal? Instead of experiencing it, then, was it the reason why she chose to vanish before the graduation time comes?

I also wanna disappear, so the people would not see me miserable. 

The negative thinking really haunted me. The heart rate increased, the breath was a little bit difficult. I was about to faint. Yet, I was trying to seek for help. I remember my office mate who is always positive. I told her that the negative thinking in my head is gonna kill me, could you suggest me a thing to stay positive?

She said that I should find way to be happy. But, for now, even I don't know what things that could make me happy. I used to be happy by doing this and this, but now, I feel different. She told me that my negative thinking is something that may not happen in the future. Every possibilities can still happen. Your negative thinking appears due to your bad past. Meanwhile, there is no guarantee if your future will be affected by your past. 

Even there is a hadist that tells, that human will be in disadvantage if today is not better than yesterday, or tomorrow is not better than today. So, it must be you who control your future, whether to be better or not. Of course, based on the hadist, you must make your tomorrow better than today. If you keep bringing your past, you will always loss and will never move forward. 

She also told me to accept the past, if you still in your negativity to the future, it means you haven't accepted your past yet. She has also ever experienced depression back then. She tried to find tools to help her rise up. Thus, she also showed me the tools, which are a book and a music video. She told me that those tools were effective for her, so she hope I would do so. 

Before meeting her to borrow her book, she sent me the youtube link:

I tried to listen to it before I sleep even it kept playing until I slept. I could feel the calm, and it successfully eased me to sleep. Thank you mbaaa. I did have a good sleep and will replay it when the negativity attacks me again.

Now, I tried to plan what I will do during my first Ramadhan without family, hoping that nobody sees me. Even though I have ever experienced living alone overseas, it did not really affect me  since most of them were also alone, far from the hometown, I didn't feel lonely alone. 

Here, I am already in my hometown, but I feel lonely. Thus, my plan is to meet any old/new friends who can, so I will not feel lonely. Hope, they wanna meet me too. Nowadays, it's not easy to create agenda with them, we have different free time. Another option if nobody is available, I may try to find new activity.

Nurul, I know it would be hard, but please bear it up. Encountering day by day in Ramadhan would not be felt if you distract your feeling and focus on your activities. Isn't being alone not bad at all? Yes, please try new activities that you never did before during Ramadhan. Nurul, be busy! Don't listen to your negative thoughts. Ignore! Be strong! You can do it! Ganbareeeeeee!

Kono sekai wa sawagashi sugiru kara 

(Because this world is too noisy) 

Kikanaide,  

(Don't listen)

Minaide,

(Don't see)

Kamawanaide,

(Don't care)

Soshite maini tsutsume,

(Please keep stepping forward)