To Live By Myself?

When I was in Japan and living alone, I did always feel homesick. I missed my parents. However, in the present, when I am living alone, I never wanna go back home. I need a reason why do I need to go back home. Home, now is a foreign place for me. 'Home' should not be a place where I don't feel comfortable, so probably, it is not home any more for me. My home for now is where I spend most of my time for sleeping comfortably, in Pocin, not Lenteng anymore. 

Don't you miss your place where you grew up? Cimol is here (in my brother's house, close to Dad's house), now she has 4 kittens. 

1 kitten is in the bottom, covered by the kitten in the middle, hidden

Unfortunately 2 kittens died, so 2 kittens left. I am happy for Cimol, now she has friends to live with. If not for visiting Cimol or my nephews and nieces, I don't have any reasons to visit home. 

now 2 kittens left :(

At the time when I visit home to meet Dad, I wished him happy to meet me, but he still forced me to admit her, I CAN'T DAD! Why didn't you appreciate me just to see you after 3 months, it's not easy Dad.

You defended her like crazy just for her fake tears. You confronted us for ruining your new life with your new wife? Hello Dad, it is me who is ruined from the beginning, but didn't you care? You chose her (unknown person from nowhere, like to sugar coat, manipulate, and do any ways even if bad ways to grab what she wants, I know you know it but you cover it) instead of your daughter who have been living with you for 29 years. What did you see from her Dad? I am broken and you don't care. I am your daughter Dad. I need you and I do love you. You said you love me, but I guess you lied. 

If visiting you just to create another wound, I won't go home. I am tired to involve in you two endless drama. Playing victim as if we are the worst and she is the best, asking for clarification to wash her dirty hands. Enough! I quit, I am sick of being involved. That's why I don't want to step on the home where I used to grow up, it's not my comfortable place anymore, it's a hell. She probably feel happy. She won without even fighting. 

Now I understood, everything that I used to have, Dad, home, or else, is from the start never belong to me. Hence, I should be quicker to accept the reality. To move on and start a new life just by myself. Thanks Mom and Dad for supporting me during my growth. I thought my life will always be with you two. Never be in my mind that my life is to live without your guard, but to live by myself. You two have prepared me so well. Like keepers releasing their animal to the wild. I am sorry for realizing this too late. I did need times to digest what I have been doing so far.

If without me you are happy Dad, I accept it. Perhaps, you didn't find me valuable to your life. I also could not force you to value me. I might useless for you, but I believe Allah created me for a reason. Thus, from now on I will  live my life to the fullest, to be useful for anyone who need me. If you don't need me, it is okay.

Then, I am enquiring, am I doing right? To live by myself? Is it acceptable if I chose myself over you Dad? Am I a bad daughter? Do I realy need to still stay with you plus your new family? I NEVER WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU AND YOUR NEW FAMILY! And I saw that you are happy with them without me. You might not want to know whether I am happy or not. Even I by myself don't know whether I am happy or not, as I lost the definition of happiness for myself. Something that is used to make me happy, doesn't feel the same way anymore. So, you don't need to know whether I am happy or not. 

I couldn't answer those by myself. I will discuss it with my counselor. I have made the schedule with her tonight. Hope she helps me clarify and validate my feelings. 

****

[UPDATE]

Having 1 hour of counseling, I thanked her very much for validating my feelings. For agreeing my decision. She approved that to live by myself is the best choice in this situation. If I kept thinking about what Dad will feel towards my decision, I may ignore my own emotion and too focus on other person's emotion. If I ignore or press my own emotions, it will become like an ice mountain when  at any time will explode, so it will not solve the problems. But, focusing on my own emotions, embracing my own emotions will lead me to spend my time by myself and the emotions will go by the time. Therefore, it is okay to choose my own self over Dad.

What will happen in the future is something that we can't control, that's why it is called as life, when we feel happy, sad, betrayed, regret, those feelings just need to be accepted. That is life. 

"You don't need to rush to find the answer of those queries", she said, "It's okay to take times. While embracing and accompanying your self with the emotion. As if you are the friend of your self. It is you who can entertain and give empathy to your own self. By the time, you will find the answer. No need to rush."

"Keep journaling your daily life, but from now on, it is okay to also note down what makes you unhappy. Because by doing that, you will learn something."

"Having tremor is okay, it's not something that is unusual, it is something that you should acknowledge. Focus on your self, don't need to think what people think about your tremor. I believe they will feel the same way if you are the people who see you get the tremor, right? You will feel just fine, so don't worry".

Really well noted, getting perspective from my counselor. Now, I feel clear and ready to live my life by myself.