When she is sleeping

Not brave enough to face the dark. How could I spend the night with those overthinking in my head. Fear, sadness, worries, all mix together in one pot. Will I be alright tonight? What other nightmares will pop up? 

Silly...

How come I couldn't do something easy. Doesn't sleeping just need to close the eyes? What happened with myself... or actually my mental(?) 

I told about my sleeping concern with my Dad. Since being left by my Mom, going through every night was not easy. Sadly, he never want to accompany. Being just 2 of us, the quiet night feels so real. 

"Go pick her up", my dad shouted while pointing to a weak little cat with black and white fur. I was reminded with my late cat that I named him "Iput" (Item Putih) to resemble his black and white colored fur as well. After the losing of my beloved pet long ago, I swore not to have pets anymore so I don't need to experience the feeling of loss which was very painful. 

***

I was hesitate for the first time, but curious to know her feeling. I started to offer her a meal. She grabbed it weakly.

She is the daughter of my nephew's cat, so it was illegal to pick her up without permission. In brief, I ask my sister's kindness to trust me taking care of her. Happily she approved. 

The nights now are not an issue any more. She erased my fear and made me occupied with her. Now, my favorite is watching her sleeping.

But once she wakes up, she brutally bites meeee T.T #huh

Now I learn to accept the feeling of loss, that's how life works. Having then losing. It should rotate more than one cycle. What I have been doing so far was stopping after one cycle and afraid of starting to have something new just because afraid of the losing. Therefore, I learn that the essence of life is to undergo what has been designed and accept everything with great acceptance. 

If in the future I lose her, I should not stop loving cats, because that's how I appreciate her legacy. Her legacy should be the message to keep loving them, do not stop until her :')

Relapsing

Mom...

This empty feeling keeps relapsing. 

Questioning how I live my life. 

Thinking what to do tomorrow.

Wondering why I should do these things.

When you were here,

I never felt tired.

I am always on fire.

Because all is about you, for you.

But now without you,

I easily feel exhausted,

Like the days are no meaning,

no purpose.

Mom...

What should I do now?

Should I cry for help?

Seeking for happiness?

Why does it sounds hard for now?

I know I am escaping,

which is the only thing I can do for now,

even though the happiness is just a momentary.

The empty feeling stays longer than the bliss.

They said I should do my hobbies.

She said I need to move forward.

But, those saying are not as easy as flipping your hand.

Should you be in my position to understand my situation?

Anyway, 

as I am trying to move,

again, 

the missing feeling keeps relapsing

I guess,

I should meet you and hug you again.

That's my wild mind

But for real, I ask Him to hug you and protect you in His good place.

See you Mom at the time when He decides us to meet again :')

Hope He sends me the way how to live my life before meeting you,

somehow...

in any ways :)