Just Random Morning

[Picture Source: huffingtonpost.com]

"Hi, how are you? How is your study?"

Sometimes, I'd like to ask him simple questions like that. I really want to know his recent news. But, I couldn't do that. 

My father always ask me to do that, "It's okay, just want to know his recent news, it's a good step to keep the communication". Then, I replied, "Father, it's not as easy as you said. I'm not his close friend." Not only my father, my best friends also always push me to do that, "So how is it? Have you asked him about his recent news?". "Nope," I said. "Nuri, how many times we insist you to ask him like that, just be brave to start the communication."

I don't know. I'm just afraid. I don't have the courage. 

I still remember the first and the second times I started the communication. The first time was when my father firstly said to me to start searching my future partner and if I want to be with him, he asked me to start the communication. "If there is no communication, how could you be with him in the end?". Being frustrated, I directly connected him via faceb**k and ask him unimportant thing. I never imagined for what I did. Luckily, he was nice to me. But, I swore, not to do it again because I'm embarrassed. I didn't know what he thought about me after that. 

The second times was because my best friends, every time we meet they always ask me same question, "Nurii, how is the progress?". I said, "There is no progression as usual". "How could you be like that, remember what your father and your mother asked to you? You need to communicate with him or never be with him at all". I kept quite, then I said, "Okay, so how do I start the communication?". They dictated for what I should write word by word. His response was nice. But, I was afraid if I bothered him.

Ah, it's really difficult to start communication with him, even with the first and the second times I've started the communication, it didn't give me another courage to do it again for the third times. Really, I was still too afraid and embarrassed.

One day, there was an event that indirectly like a reunion. I never expected he would come, so I said yes when my friend asked me to come. How surprised I was when I noticed he came. If I knew that, I would say no and search a reason so I wouldn't come. I sill couldn't manage my feeling well. I couldn't make an eye contact with him. I was too embarrassed. When he called my name, I turned around to the source of the voice, I knew it was him, I just could say, "Yes...". Then, I directly ran away. I didn't intend to avoid him, I was just too embarrassed so I ran away from him after that. I was not too focus during the event, I just wanted to go home. I was not ready to meet him.

I'm embarrassed, because he is the one that make me couldn't fall in love to others and he is the one who makes me could understand what love is. I couldn't cover my feeling, that's why it's better for me to run away from him. It's my natural. Maybe for some people, they wouldn't be like me, they could stay cool every time they meet a person they love. But for me, I couldn't. Again, it's my natural. Despite from all of that, I try to be ready when there is a chance to meet him again.

Sometimes I'm afraid. I'm afraid for what his response next time. I'm afraid his response to me previously just only to be nice to me. I'm afraid if I communicate again for several times will really bother him. I'm afraid if in the end I know his true feeling that he never loves me. I'm afraid of having broken heart. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid.

They never know how I feel when what I'm afraid of really happens. I would be really really hurt. It's not like loving someone for an instant and in a week when you know he never loves you, you can easily erase him for an instant too. I'm not like that. I love him for 10 years and I really really need a big amount of times to really really erase him from my mind.

They can easily said that it's better for me to know the truth faster so I can move on faster too. I know they care about me but I give up if they keep pushing me to communicate with him. Once again, I'm afraid and I'm not ready yet to be hurt. After all, like the two sides of a knife, the end of the sides was the same. If I communicate with him, the worst case is knowing that he never loves me or if I never communicate with him, I will be waiting for nothing. Both choices have the same results, I would be hurt in the end.

So I decided to avoid both choices. I just let every things to happen and undergo what God has decided for me and I will prepare myself to be ready for it. So it's just my random morning. If you were me, what is your choice?